A Sad Epiphany
Updated: Jul 10, 2022
It dawned on me while I was describing my list of stolen items to the police officer, but it really hit home when the cops started pulling out all of the items from their gunny sack of stolen “goods”.
“Sir, can you describe the items missing from your car?”
“Sure, let me think for a second…… A purple, platypus beanie baby that my wife bought me…… A pack of American Spirit lights…………… I probably had a lighter in there too………… A Tom Brady TB12 Method Audio Book CD.”
“Tom Brady, the Quarterback?”
“And you said it’s a compact disc?”
At this point the cops started grinning but maintained their composure.
“Anything else, sir?”
It was 430 AM in the morning, I was too tired to lie.
“Um…. Yes, my emergency deodorant.”
“What kind of deodorant?”
“Axe Body Spray – Dark Temptation…………… I also had my Bluetooth speaker in there?”
“Why do you have a Bluetooth speaker in your car?”
“Cause I blew out my car speakers a few years back blasting techno”
At this point one of the three officers turned around and started laughing. He tried to cover it up but the sound was still audible and the convulsions of his back gave him away.
Then I hit rock bottom
“Is this your Bourne Ultimatum Soundtrack?.... Also on compact disc.”
I was mortified. I’d been meaning to throw that shit out for years.
“Ya, it came with the car when I bought it from the previous owner. I’ve been meaning to throw it out. I don’t need it back.”
“Sir, we don’t want it either”
At that exact moment, I had my epiphany. It hit me like a ton of bricks:
I am clearly NOT a baller.
430 AM in the morning, standing outside in my underwear and oversized, faded sleep t-shirt, regaling the police with my laundry list of personal items; items so crappy they’re unfit for the Dollar Store. Want to talk about embarrassing!? The term: “Compact Disc” was used in our discourse!!! A technology that hasn’t been relevant for 15 years. I felt like “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski talking about his Creedence Clearwater Revival tapes.
After returning all of my shitty belongings, the lead cop (who happened to be a beautiful young lady) asked me for my opinion as to the total value of the items.
At this point I had a flashback.
At the tail end of high school my friends and I got busted for smoking weed and drinking underage in public. Months later, in court, the judge read the charges as well as the list of items we had been busted with.
“An 8th of marijuana, Seven Mad Dog 20/20s, 6 Old English Malt Liquors…. High Gravity…………….”
The judge then paused to readjust her glasses and concentrate on the last item.
“And a 6-pak, of Keystone Light.”
The bailiff lost it. He burst out laughing. Laughter also erupted in the back of the courtroom from all the other degenerates who were awaiting their hearing. It was funny indeed. It was funny when you’re 18. Never would I have suspected however, that a lifetime later, I’d again have a team of law officers chuckling over the embarrassing, worthless list of items attributed to my name.
There are two silver linings though to this pitiful story. For starters, unlike 18 years ago, I wasn’t the one handcuffed in the backseat of a black and white. More importantly though, at least I’m not an outright lunatic like the person who tried to jack my car. Nobody, NOBODY in their right mind would look at a parking lot full of cars and think to themselves: “That 2004 Nissan Altima….. I bet that’s where the treasure is”.
All in all, I feel sleep-deprived but victorious. Not because the thief was caught and my pitiful possessions returned, but rather because even if the cops hadn’t intervened, who cares!? It’s a truly liberating feeling. “Someone robbed me?? Rob me of what!?”
In fact, I think I’m gonna go for a joyride tonight to celebrate. If you see a debonair middle-aged man blasting cacophonous, nonsensical action music out of a single speaker in his car, you’ll inevitably think to yourself:
“That guy… that guy doesn’t give A FUCK!”