Bring Back BlackBerry!

Not only do you NEED it back, but you secretly want it back. Let me break it down for you. Let me better your life.

The Smaller Screen:

You don’t want half your phone taken up by a keyboard. What concerns you about a smaller screen? It may be harder to watch porn on the go? I suppose that is true. The other passengers may find it odd when you bring your iPad to the airplane bathroom. Binge watching Tik Tok or Instagram videos may lose its luster? You won’t go down some rabbit hole on YouTube where you end up watching videos of donkeys getting chiropractic adjustments?

That big screen is insidiously killing you. Give it up. Your eyes, brain, body and self-respect will thank you.

The Physical Keyboard:

Do you have the effeminate, dainty fingers of a 13-year-old girl? If not, typing on a touchscreen is a total nightmare. One of my buddies has some phone where you can slide your finger or even a little pen around the keyboard and form the words that way. He’s real proud of it.

Ya bro, your dad had that too. It was called a Palm Pilot.

I have the fat, stubby fingers of a 16^th century peasant. I have lost some sensation in my right pointer finger and thumb from putting out candles with said fingers, playing with matches and smoking bowls. My hands shake from 25 years of punching heavy bags. I’m a fucking man goddamn it so get this weak sauce, soyboy fake keyboard out of my life.   

“Blackberry’s Camera Isn’t As Good.”:

What’s the difference? Yall are editing these photos anyway. I live under a rock and even I have heard of Facetune. I have a friend who tunes her face so much that it doesn’t end up looking like her at all. I still don’t understand it. Why would you want to share photos of yourself with the world if the photos don’t even look like you? Does society even notice or care?

Perhaps I will field test this. I will send yall Christmas Cards of my family and my dog standing with a 6’6” blond-haired Swede. I’ll have my name at the bottom and write you a personalized note with my signature. Then we’ll run the experiment. How many people will text me saying “Looking good, bro!” vs. how many will write: “Bro, I think you got cucked.”

BBM

To this day I cannot find a worthy replacement. BlackBerry Messenger is unrivaled. All the modern apps tried to rip off the features but couldn’t pull it off. My degenerate friends and I are constantly searching for and downloading new messaging apps because it turns out all of them share data with China or the CIA or even worse, Mark Zuckerbucks. I learned today that WhatsApp quietly introduced AI to steal data from your chats. I swear that freak is single-handedly keeping the lizard people conspiracy alive and well.

Worse yet, I am constantly getting sent bullshit and being friended by scammers on these apps. With BBM you had to know my PIN to connect with me and/or send me anything. Then I had to ACCEPT you into my contacts. Into my life. Ranjith from Sri Lanka couldn’t just send me scam messages at will.

 The Notification Light:

Blinking light. Red for email. Blue for text. Amber for missed call. Green for BBM. No pop-up banners that distract you and showcase your private life to the world. No beeping. I didn’t have to unlock my phone to know if I wanted to engage with it or not. So good, so slick.

The BlackBerry Belt Clip

Do you like a gigantic electronic device bulging out of your pants and radiating electromagnetic waves to your privates? Hell, it’s probably killing our fertility, and it looks preposterous. Bring the belt clip back! I may truly get one later this month. For the sake of my career.

Do you know how CONFIDENT you have to be in 2025 to sport the clip? To have your phone hanging off your belt. I still see a handful of them throughout the year. And no joke, you know what I think to myself every time:

“CEO. That guy must be some big shot CEO. That’s a Million dollar a year guy, at LEAST!”

I can’t think of a bigger power move than walking into an interview or sales meeting and removing your blackberry clip and phone package and putting it on the table. That’s the businessman’s way of unzipping and putting an 11” hog on the table.

Who do you want to negotiate against? That guy, or the slender fingered dude delicately pressing the “keyboard” in response to the text message that we all saw just pop up from his wife:

“The trash bin is overflowing again – guess who forgot to take it out? 😡”

This man is finished. May as well send in the Swede.