Creeps and Losers

At The Gym:

Last week I absconded from a series of morning meetings so that I could go to the gym. About 25 minutes into my session, I’m sitting on the high row machine, and I hear a grunt from the station across from mine.

I look over and see a young guy that’s built like a Greek god. Fantastic physique. Good for him.

He stares at me. Stares around the gym. I think nothing of it.

3 Minutes later I am on the other side of the gym, and I hear a roar from behind me. I look over and the dude is doing some other exercise and letting the world know about it. This time he stares at me a little longer – fire in his eyes. Then he steps away from the machine and poses.

“This guy is a fucking douchebag” – I think to myself

Five minutes after that…….

I’m on the torso twist machine and the same guy walks to the machine right across from me. This time he is shirtless and outright staring at me.

“Goddamn it. Is this really what I think it is?” - I thought to myself

I had one more set to do and I was committed to finishing my workout.

Much to my chagrin, but not to my surprise, within 45 seconds of sitting down – Hercules has found a machine near me. No shirt. Leering into my soul with his cold, gay, eyes.

At the Kids' Playground – All In One Outing

On the basketball court next to one of the local playgrounds; four middle-aged guys were playing 2v2 basketball. There was more jawing than exercise. More f-bombs flying than basketballs. Several near fights. Why? Why is this happening? You’re 45 years old! You’re out there cause you have a cholesterol problem, chief. Take it easy or the next bounce you’ll feel is the defibrillator.

At the swings:

Some bug-eyed freak, dressed like G.I. Joe, rockets in on an electric skateboard. Sprinting behind him are his four kids. Each one was sporting fake weaponry and screaming. A baboon troop! One of them did in fact climb up a pole in 2 milliseconds. The kids yelled and shoved each other for the next 5 minutes. The dad meanwhile skateboarded back to his SUV, got on the hood, and observed the kids (I assume and hope it was the kids) with military binoculars.  

At the slides:

I see this multiple times an outing. Fat kids chasing each other. Within two laps they are EXHAUSTED. Panting. Wheezing. Falling apart. How the F does this happen!? This isn’t my middle-aged metabolism – I eat two slices of pizza and have to dedicate my next two weeks to cardio. Does this kid’s diet consist of Taco Bell, Sunny D, and PlayStation? Get these manatees out of here! Their wheezing is obnoxious and if one of them falls on me in their exhausted state it’s gonna feel like I got lit up by Ray Lewis.

On LinkedIn:

Have you seen the rubbish people post these days? “I was 7 years into being one of the 30 youngest tech CEOs in Mauritania, and then I had an epiphany: ‘Paradigm Shift’ – I was doing and thinking about things the wrong way………” --------- It’s total drivel! WTF is happening? Is your company’s name “Insecure”. I don’t do Instagram or Facebook or TikTok – Is the rest of social media like this? People just crowing about how fucking awesome they are? I just don’t understand it. If you were truly living life to the fullest, we would never hear from you. Also, sir or madam, the biggest ballers on LinkedIn are the exact opposite of you: Posts: None. Likes: None. Profile Pic: Blank. Description: “Managing Partner, Latham Watkins, 2002-Present.

At the Co-Working Joint

Big, muscular guy. Tough looking. Glares at every other male. Probably around 40. Brings his ginormous Pitbull (which may be getting the owner’s leftover roids) with him. The other day I thought to myself – this guy probably drives a Camaro. This morning in the garage, vroom vroom VROOOM! Bursting in at 40mph in a gunmetal Camaro is Douchebag and his beast (probably named “Sarge”). This jamoke is a walking cartoon

-----

Everyone’s just peacocking with fake feathers.  To what end though? Perhaps I need to create a prediction market where I upload 7 second videos of these people and tell the world to wager on where they’ll be in 5 years.

Camaro repossessed and replaced with a 2003 Ford Windstar. Sarge passed away from a steroid-induced heart attack. His seat has been taken over by a toddler you never wanted who is, of course, obese. Your long-time, alpha-male, lifting partner and roommate “stunned” you by recently coming out of the closet.

Don’t worry though, hawss, we haven’t lost any respect for you over the years. We never had any to begin with.