I’m getting increasingly irritated by this common occurrence as I get older and many of you are guilty – big time. There are many qualities that make a male a proper, adult man: Some minimum level of athleticism and physique, emotional stability, courage, chivalry towards women, reliability, etc. You know what else makes you a man? Having a properly stocked bar.
Wanna piss me off? Invite me over to your place to chill only to inform me that you “may have a few beers in the fridge?” Option 2: You have a half-drunk bottle of low-end booze with no mixers. When I was 16 my buddies and I would pass around a bottle of warm Skyy Vodka before sneaking into some shit club. Newsflash, we’ve doubled in age. Option three (and this is the worst): You have some old, nasty, clumped up freezer ice that I have to stab at with a fork for 15 minutes like a jealous lover just to cool my Aristocrat “on the rocks” by 10 degrees.
I’ve been sending you jamokes hints to step up your game for over a decade now. My bar is stocked baby, so stocked, you know it, and you love it. If the bottle ain’t from the top shelf, it’s not in my house. And most of the “top shelf” doesn’t make the cut. I’ve got two types of Vermouth, Campari, 25-year-old Brandy, three different variations of ice (regular, jumbo, extra jumbo), bitters, maraschino cherries… hell, I even have yellow chartreuse! You all are trading in penny stocks while I’m running a hedge fund over here. Get it together boys! We’re half a decade away from being middle-aged.
I do take some comfort in the fact that, like an inbred bulldog or Marcus’ old cat (R.I.P. Zorro) that would drink out of the gravity bong, you all are slowly (very slowly) responding to the cues I’ve been giving you over the years. Half of you now leave your shoes at the door and put on slippers in your house. More of you have procured actual ice trays. Earlier this year Vasco even brought a bottle of nice tequila to my house. It finally clicked for him after the gallons of Belvedere I’ve brought to his place that it is courteous to bring something when someone invites you over. Granted he drank most of the bottle himself before our matinee baseball game but still, his heart was in the right place and I was ultimately treated to two sporting spectacles.
I’m confident that by the time we’re eligible for Medicare, I may even be able to make myself a Negroni or Old Fashioned when I come over to yall’s houses. In the meantime, take a look in the mirror. Is your hairline receding? Do you have grey hair? Do you have a thick beard or a perpetual five o’clock shadow? If so, do some sit-ups and then drive to the goddamn liquor store. I’ll make sure that there’s a touch or two of kibble for you when you get back.