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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke


As we speak, I’m surrounded by three sets of internet-enabled first dates. I came to the coffee shop in order to write some new, mediocre content for the blog but am unable to make any progress because of the cacophony of inane conversations stabbing me in the brain.

Couple # 1 are huge nerds. They started talking about books and their own perspective on what good writing is. They have strong opinions and apparently both dabble in creative writing; although they both admitted shortly thereafter that neither of them have “had time to do any actual writing”. ’As a pretend writer myself, their spurious claim of being “a writer” offends me. At least start a blog that nobody reads like the rest of us! Also, anyone who actually writes (or attempts to) is perpetually quasi-ashamed of this fact so we don’t advertise it.

Couple # 2: This guy is handsome but a colossal douchebag. He hasn’t stopped talking since they got here. The girl is cute and has an intelligent look to her, it may be worth your time to let her get a word in. Nah, no dice, he just has to talk more about himself because how could anyone be as exciting as he is? He surfs, he makes lots of money (although he was a bit cagey about what he actually does for a living), he apparently has lots of friends and connections. This guy is so rad I’m surprised his serpent-sized cock hasn’t already slithered across the table to mate with his coffee companion. Freaking fake-ass Ron Burgundy over here. F this guy!

Couple # 3: The girl is very attractive, but she won’t shut up. A classic blabbermouth. The dude isn’t paying any attention but he seems content with the situation.

Holy shit! Couple # 1 is fucked. When she’s not reading Tolstoy and fake writing, the geeky girl apparently makes Tik Tok videos. Her dweeby companion however is not on social media. Womp Womp! The conversation has deadened. He’s trying his best to continue the dialogue, but it has become clear that the girl (who has now revealed herself to be a fake nerd – the lowest and most distasteful caste on the social hierarchy) doesn’t have much to talk about outside of Tik Tok. Toss right, sweep left, hook in, flea flicker, wide receiver screen, nothing’s working. This defense is very dense.

Interrupted again! Some shirtless clown just sauntered by with a speaker hanging off his backpack. His soundtrack: A Progressive Insurance commercial. I swear these halfwits are like a bulldozer in my brain.

Back to couple # 3: This couple is getting married in 2023. No doubt in my mind. She loves hearing herself talk uninterrupted and the gentleman across from her isn’t even trying to get a word in. He’s such a great listener!.............. Reality check: He ain’t listening to a word you’re saying. He’s doing the Venus Flytrap routine: Sitting completely motionless and letting his beautiful prey get comfortable and sedated off the sweet nectar of his silence. Whatever the motivations, the yin and yang is there. My forecast: A long and mediocre marriage.

Couple # 2 fizzled out. He ran out of things to brag about and she was hoping for someone who actually took an interest in her. They left in silence, shrouded in disappointment around 5 minutes ago.

Oh my god! Couple # 1 is still trying to make this work. They’re back to literature and disagreeing about books. Come on dude, this girl is luggage! This date is a sunk cost, stop investing time and energy into it. Ditch her and go back to swiping right on the app

This unintentional eavesdropping experience has been quite painful. No wonder it’s hard for people to meet and make meaningful relationships anymore, most people out there are awful. From our fake nerd girl to the guy who will never love anyone half as much as himself, to the dude that’s indifferent about having an actual connection with his partner as long as she’s attractive and he occasionally gets laid. I would have thought that these dating apps (through extensive, tedious, virtual grabass’n) weeded out a lot of the dead weight prior to the in-person rendezvous but I guess not.

Fuck these apps. They’re clearly not helping. Go back to getting drunk at the bar and seeing what happens. Sure, you’ll waste some time flirting with people that are taken or find your appearance highly displeasing. You may make out with someone that just barfed in the bathroom. You’ll endure the occasional (and always unfortunate) “last call surprise” when the lights come on at 145 AM…. But hey, at least nobody will blatantly lie about their appearance. “I’m 6’2” with an athletic build”……. Bro, how drunk do you think we are? You’re at best 5’10” and have the physique of a snowman.

This bullshit I just witnessed over the last 45 minutes or so has been soul crushing. It can’t go on. I feel like I need a double shot of Jamieson and I’m not even involved! My advice to all the single folks out there: On your next first date, do something outlandish right off the bat and save everyone a lot of time. If you’re a hardcore partier, pour some coke on the coffee table and then snort it. If you’re a vicious nerd, bring out a deck of Magic the Gathering cards and smack it on the middle of the table. Within seconds you’ll know whether the person across from you is your soul-mate. Heck, even if the date doesn’t work out, you may make some new friends. You and your new friends will also make history as the first people ever to get zooted and play Magic the Gathering.

Note to my readers (all 25 of you). A few of you have recently told me to drop the password protection on the site. I don’t envision that happening since our motto here at Mr. Jamoke is “So simple, So exclusive”. However, feel free to share with select friends who may find this enjoyable as long as you don’t reveal the name of the authors involved in this publication. This post alone will get us all fired: Obviously, no company will tolerate grown-ups who play wizard-themed card games intended for 6-year-olds.

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