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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Nothing Makes Sense

I have a new investment strategy; I will be investing only in companies and products that make no sense to me. Only issue is, there are so many to choose from.

My immigrant mindset can’t compute this shit. A $2500 stationary bike coupled with a $50 a month subscription to watch videos motivating you to ride the bike. How about buying a used Huffy for $100 bucks and just going outside? You want more resistance? Ride uphill. Or buy an even crappier Huffy.

What about that mirror that doubles as a screen which displays workout videos? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the stupidest of them all? “You sir, and you still have a muffin top!”

Hard Seltzer? WTF. Do you want to drink or not? If you don’t want to drink, don’t drink. I’m trying to get fucked up here, not give myself heartburn while staying mostly sober. The cocktails I drink are literally 10x more potent than your raspberry “hard” seltzer. Pathetic. Shit is flying off the shelves though.

Smart light bulbs. Do you own a club in Ibiza? Are you handicapped? If not, and you own these, you’re just a douchebag. Remember that old saying: “As easy as flipping a switch”? Apparently flipping a switch got too hard and now you have to control your light bulbs from your phone.

The Sponge Daddy. A dumb, stay-at-home dad, verbally castrated by his wife for years, made a sponge shaped like a smiley face. Transformed himself from a total loser and de facto eunuch into a multi-millionaire.

Goddamn the average consumer is an idiot. But you know what, this jamoke is even dumber. I’m just now finally starting to realize the massive disconnect between what is practical and what sells. Maybe if I run head-first into a wall a few times and absorb a series of concussions, I’ll become an entrepreneur. Or I’ll try my new investment strategy and go for broke on products that don’t make any sense to me whatsoever.

Oreo-flavored Vodka distilled by Master P. I’ll buy 20,000 shares please.

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