Every spring I get excited about the prospect of chilling on my balcony and welcoming in the sun and warm weather. Like clockwork, every year, my dreams are dashed about 5 days into the spring season by two things: (1) The fact that I live in a glorified construction zone that’s louder than a monster truck rally (2) Mosquitoes. Point one and two above are seemingly paradoxical, but those of you that have lived in this former swamp of a city know that cranes, cement and mosquitoes somehow co-exist in harmonious abundance here.
Anyway….. Short of achieving some sort of Buddhist, zen-master state in which I’m impervious to outside noise, I cannot do anything to combat all the construction. However, this year I decided to go toe-to-toe with the mosquitoes. I was about to buy this insect repellant until I saw the following description:
Dave’s Insect Repellant Candles are an all-natural plant-based insect repellent, containing three different repellent essential oils: citronella, lemongrass & Lavender. Our essential oils are blended with bamboo sawdust to create the repellant candle. Our essential oils come from Switzerland and our incense sticks are uniquely made in a woman owned factory in China…………
First of all, even if I was some sort of PC sissy, the fact that this “unique Chinese factory” consists of women running the sweatshop rather than men running the sweatshop wouldn’t cut much ice with me. Secondly, the fact that Dave’s Insects Inc. thinks they can sell me mosquito repellent based on some supposed, progressive-minded affiliation with women’s rights and equal pay is offensive. What am I, the Federal Government? I don’t give a flying fuck what the workers look like – you don’t get brownie points from me by employing dwarf, Inuit women who at some point were loosely affiliated with the Coast Guard. I care about the work product. Today is my first respite from 10 days of 14-hour workdays, my tolerance for bullshit is minimal – and Dave is pissing me off.
I’ve used different types of repellents, traps, devices over the years and the only thing that actually keeps the mosquitoes at bay is smoke. Due to the aforementioned lameness of these mosquito sticks I’m going with Plan B, the most effective insect repellent on the market: Cigarettes. Even the insects know to stay away from Joe Camel. I’ve watched over the years as cigarette smoke keeps bees, gnats, mosquitoes, you name it, at bay. Thus boys, next time you visit me on my balcony you’ll get quite the visual treat: A shirtless Mediterranean man holding a Vodka drink in his hand, getting glared at by his fiancée, surrounded by multiple actively burning cigarettes. See you soon.