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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Property Management Slander

I got mugged at gunpoint earlier this week in my building’s garage. Some of you know this already, my apologies, but you’ll get some more details today. I was coming back from a trip to Europe, parked my car in the garage, finished talking to my girlfriend, and walked into the garage level elevator lobby. While waiting for the elevator two guys came out of the corner wearing ski masks and pointed their guns at me and demanded that I lay down and give them my shit. The fire escape stair exits don’t lock so they must have walked right in, found a nice little spot by the trash room to hide, and then jumped the first loser that came in – me.

The mugging actually isn’t the interesting part though. I got my remaining shit together, went up to the apartment, and asked my roommate to call the cops. Five minutes later the cops meet me downstairs. I tell them what went down and they tell me that Detective Barbig will be here shortly to launch the investigation. In the meantime, the cops, Mike and I walk over to the building’s front desk lady to tell her what happened. Her response to all this was amazing.

She got nervous and started asking the cops if the muggers were still here. Then she started aggressively quizzing them about what sort of weapons she was legally allowed to have to defend herself in future such incidents: “Mace?” – “Illegal”. “A shooting stun gun?” – “Illegal”. “What about a baseball bat?” – At this point the cops start giggling but manage to respond that a baseball bat is fine. They’re giggling for two reasons: (1) This bitch doesn’t give a scintilla of a fuck that her resident just got robbed at gunpoint. She is engrossed only in concern about her future safety. (2) This woman is somewhere between 70 and 80 years old; I can’t tell exactly because she wears more make up than a mime. The idea of this old lady bunting her way to safety against two young men with guns, coupled with her flagrant disregard for her resident, was comedic gold for these cops. Anyway….. more about the property management company in a bit.

Barbig, the big shot detective, shows up on the tail end of our conversation with the octogenarian Wonder Woman. Upon seeing him, my disbelief/confusion in this situation intensifies. Homeboy looks and dresses exactly like Serpico; he’s got the hat, the weird poncho vest looking thing, the hair…. I found myself wondering what today’s date was: Halloween, April Fool’s Day? WTF is going on?

So Barbig introduces himself and starts taking notes about the incident. At the end of our back and forth he says: “We’re not going to find them.” Jesus Christ, bro!! I know you’re not going to fucking find them. They were wearing ski masks and the whole incident lasted 30 seconds; you don’t have much to work with. Furthermore, I have zero illusion or expectation that the MPD will assemble an elite, multi-unit task force to hunt down my wallet. However, a little people skill would be nice. Say that you’re at least going to try, or just don’t say anything at all. Given that he misspelled “Department” on his business card, I am now trying figure out if he’s too hardcore a crime solver for proper spelling or if he’s just not the city’s best and brightest.

Bear with me though, cause here is where things get truly absurd. The day after the mugging, the property management company tapes a few signs next to the building elevators. The signs say that a “Resident claims to have been mugged….. and to make sure that you close doors around the building and not let strangers in.” These assholes not only don’t mention the guns but are challenging my integrity by suggesting that I made up the whole freaking story. It’s a freaking smear campaign! I’m not running for high political office here, I’m just some random chump who got robbed.

Yesterday, my tattered reputation was saved by someone else’s misfortune. The burglars struck again apparently because there was a new sign next to the elevator: “Another resident has been mugged in the garage at gunpoint……..” What assholes. I guess they decided that two smear campaigns in one week was too cumbersome to pull off.

A couple of final thoughts here. There is a stark difference in how people here in the U.S. are reacting vs. my friends and relatives back home. The people here keep asking me if I’m ok mentally and emotionally. Luckily, I’m too stupid and insensitive for that. I’m just frustrated by the hassle of getting my documents re-issued. In contrast, the international contingent is giving me grief. My uncle was quick to state that I claim to be a “fighter”, therefore, why didn’t I beat the shit out of them? He would have taken their guns and then knocked them both out – no problem. Others are asking me if it was a real gun. There is another faction that agrees I couldn’t have fought my way out of the situation, but they’re adamant about the fact that they would never lay/bow down for anybody. I love it. Half the world thinks I need a hug, the other half is calling me a pussy.

So, kids, I hope that this story has given you some perspective. I hear you all complain about low water pressure, maintenance men who don’t unclog your toilet to your satisfaction, tight parking spaces, etc. My advice to you: Call Barbig. He’ll crack the case in no time.

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