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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Technology Chumps

My # 1 enemy in life is not a person, rather it is the touch screen microwave in my house. The only days when I’m not cussing that thing out is when I’m traveling for work. I went through a bit of a pyro phase when I was thirteen or so and I guess I’ve lost some sensation in my thumbs and pointer fingers as a result. Such is my guess anyway because I can never get that damn thing to work. I keep trying to moderate the pressure I am applying to the keys, I wrap my fingers in paper towels (cause maybe my fingers are too greasy), it doesn’t respond to my commands. Fuck that thing. I HATE IT!!!

We also have a google home device that is connected to our fancy, digital air conditioning NEST unit. I hate that thing too. You know what adds zero value to my life? Telling the little eavesdropping, google robot to turn off the air conditioning unit which is all of 8 feet away to begin with. Here is my other beef with the NEST device. It’s a little computer, and like all computers, it’s prone to inexplicable software bugs. From 3 AM to 630 AM it automatically switches to cool/heat mode with a range of either 71 or 77 degrees. I don’t even know what this means. All I know is that when I walk by the NEST en route to my 4 AM nightly piss there’s a bright light coming out of it, it seems to be doing math, and I could be anywhere in the range of a tad chilly to very hot. I’d fix the issue but I don’t feel like enrolling in night school to learn Computer Science.

We’re getting lazy, arrogant and real stupid my friends. The internet of things! Yay! The next revolution in technology! You can now control your refrigerator from two thousand miles away. You can also log onto an App when you land at the airport so that your house begins heating or cooling to your desired temperature before you even arrive. Whoopty fucking whoop. Let’s dig a bit deeper on this: (1) You’re a spoiled brat. (2) Your temperature preference of 72 degrees has now been sold by company X to 10,000 other companies – within minutes you receive an ad from TravelZoo telling you to go back to the airport and fly to the Bahamas where it is 72 degrees year-round (3) The same douchebags who connected all of your appliances to the internet are now selling you appliance cybersecurity for $300 a month (4) Contrary to the promises made in point 3 – some acne-ridden, fat kid in China can give you carbon monoxide poisoning without ever having to get up from his computer in Gansu Province. Aren’t you glad that your oven is connected to the internet?

Here is my personal favorite: My buddy recently told me that, thanks to the “doggie cam” he has in his living room, he recently caught his dog walker masturbating in his living room. I asked my boy if, in response to this unpleasant revelation, he would fire his dog-walker. My buddy responded emphatically “no way – the guy is reliable and the dog loves him”. I love this situation on so many levels. First of all, there’s the mystery of why this guy spanked it, mid-day on a Tuesday at one of his client’s apartments. Does he secretly hate my buddy and want to disrespect him? Is he gonna bang a hot chick later in the night and wants to increase his longevity? Does he have three kids at home and this is the only alone time he ever gets? The possibilities are endless. Second: What the fuck do you gain by having a doggie cam in the first place? If you’re at work 30 miles from your house and you see that your dog is about to poop on the carpet, what are you going to do about it? Last but not least, what happens on a drunken, Saturday at 2 AM when my boy (a bachelor) comes home alone, horny, and waxes his own cane. That footage belongs to the internet now. Next thing you know that kid from Gansu Province is blackmailing you. To be honest, I’m surprised we’re not seeing this avenue of blackmail more often today: “Wire $4k to this bank account in China by Monday morning otherwise I release all of the footage from your doggie cam on social media.”

Damn. I have had some great business ideas before (E.G. The glow in the dark cowbell and the piss-activated smack-talking urinal cake), but this might be the best one yet: Robocalls that threaten to release footage of your “security” or “doggie” cam to the interwebs. Expect a call soon. I’ll turn your heat up to 88 degrees too just so that you know that I mean business.

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