People like me are critically endangered. We’re also very grumpy at the rest of you that have “evolved”. Here is why: (Side note: This post isn’t even intended to be funny; this is just a straight up rant)
1) Stop texting me. If you have more than three thoughts to communicate then pick up the damn phone or write an email. Nothing like a thousand-dollar computer in your hand that communicates with the efficiency of a telegraph. The “….” Or “typing” notification is even more irritating. I wait with bated breath for 5 minutes to see what fascinating insight is coming my way only to see the word “cool” emerge on my screen.
2) Read something longer than a page. I have a paper copy of the Wall Street Journal delivered to my apt. every day including Monday through Thursday when I’m on the road. I’ve offered about half a dozen of my neighbors the opportunity to take my paper when I’m gone. Zero interest. Reasons range from “I don’t follow the news” to “I don’t read”. Charming. Somewhere in America there are a dozen retired, former elementary school English and Social Studies teachers that just died of heart-break.
3) On the rare occasion when I see you in person and tell you a story, don’t interrupt to tell me that you “saw it on Instagram”. I’m not on Instagram. I don’t know what you saw or who shared “it”. Don’t tell me that a single picture with a #funwithfriends caption captured my entire wknd of adventure. Exercise some people skill and feign interest in my terrible, boring story please.
4) You know what triggers (I think I’m using this word right) me? Ask me (or straight up tell me) why I’m bad about manning my phone. People are completely flummoxed by the fact that sometimes I’ll go somewhere without my phone. Is the phone my master? Should I bring it slippers and a warm meal when it comes home? Is it a vulnerable baby that I must tend to around the clock, feed it when it blinks, burp it when it makes noise? GFY. I actually keep my phone on “do not disturb” for most of the day to avoid moronic group texts (“anyone want to go to lunch today?”…. “I can’t, I’m making meatloaf….. “ I can’t either, I have a stomach ache” ….. “well well, Barry has a stomach ache, drink too much last night Barry?”………… 38 more messages ensue) Furthermore, the only calls I get are from robots that tell me to give them my social security number or they’ll have me arrested. So yeah, that’s why I’m slow to respond. If I spend all my time responding to this nonsense, then I can’t effectively write work documents and blog entries that nobody will ever read.
5) Don’t ask me for my Wi-Fi password. WTF is wrong with you!? Why did you come over in the first place? To stream Netflix in a different setting? Are you going to surf the DarkWeb but pin the FBI on me? I also find it infuriating that people protect their data plans like they’re Faberge eggs. My buddy brought over some dunce the other day who said hello and promptly asked me for my Wi-Fi password. I wrote down 15 characters of gibberish and then watched him squirm for half an hour as he failed to connect. “Sorry man, it should be working.” Q18Rz59!$30BQYFU
I knew that my species was near extinction 10 years ago when my friends all got iPhones and I was still hitting the same button three times to get to the specific letter I wanted. “How are they texting so fast!?” I’m sitting out this latest phase of technology-driven evolution, I don’t like it. For every poor kid located in a rural area that can now get an education online there are probably 600 dudes who stream porno in the bathroom stall at work. I also remember my slightly shady friend starting a fake Facebook account using a picture of a random, beautiful female. Watching her “friend” count balloon up to 5000 in mere weeks, followed by creepy dudes hitting on her incessantly; and best of all, some of the wives of said creepy dudes going online to call her a home-wrecking whore………..Arguably the most pathetic thing I have ever witnessed. I’d rather remain flightless and left-behind than “soar” to these new technological heights.