Are you struggling to make ends meet? Are you tired of buying chicken breasts priced like caviar? Are you shocked to see the Kelly Blue Book value of your 2006 Honda Odyssey gain $10k in the last nine months? If so, this post will be a godsend for you. While most Americans spend the next two years watering down their laundry detergent, replacing steak dinners with buttered rice cakes, and knitting their own clothes, you can become a millionaire via the innovative business concepts below. Please, just remember to throw a few crumbs Mr. Jamoke’s way after you hit a $100 million valuation.
Rickshaws. It is time to bring them back. Let’s face it, nobody can afford to drive anymore and your chance of getting stabbed on the public bus these days is so high you might as well play a game of “500” with a butcher knife. The secret sauce to your burgeoning transportation empire is marketing: For starters, you don’t pay the driver/puller. No no. The puller pays YOU because Rickshaws are the new fitness craze. You are giving Buff Billy a chance to get a “complete body, HIIT workout” for a meager monthly fee of 60 bucks coupled with a reimbursable security deposit on the rickshaw. Billy is not a reincarnated 18th century Japanese peasant. Far from it, he is helping combat climate change while getting absolutely shredded. This will be the first business ever where both customer and employee pay the business owner. You’ll also probably get some green tax credit from the government which will help offset your massive profit windfall.
Pornographic Hand-Fans. Since you cannot afford to pay your power bill anymore, you won’t have AC this year and you’ll be sweating like a summer swine. As part of your power rationing, you’ll also have to ween yourself off of the 10 hours of porno you stream each week. The solution is obvious: High resolution prints of some busty young lady or well-endowed beefcake attached to an expandable, triangular wooden frame. Your wrists will be so strong by the end of the summer….
Non-Toxic Insect Traps. Back in the day we used to kill insects because they were annoying. Now though, since even ground beef costs 9 dollars an ounce, you’re gonna have to get your protein elsewhere. For us city folks, after we slay all the tree-rats and ravens, it’s trapping time. Moving forward, only the one-percenters will be able to stomp and kill crickets and centipedes in their house.
Bum-Wine Box Socials. Some of you are slamming ass all over town thanks to the internet “dating” sites. Good for you, bad for your wallet. Perhaps this publication is old-fashioned but we assume (and hope) that it takes at least 3 quality dates before things enter the bedroom. An afternoon coffee and two proper dinner dates cost what these days, $700? Sprinkle in another grand of failed dates that result in nothing other than animosity. Side note: For those of you that are flummoxed by this assumption cause all it takes for you to bump uglies is a Denny’s Grand Slam, you should stop reading and find an Urgent Care facility. For the rest of you though, it is time to cut costs drastically and bring back the thinly-veiled metaphor that is the Box Social. Following tradition, each lady will pack a lunch for two and men will bid on each box anonymously. The high inflation entrepreneur will charge $40 a person for organizing this box social and toss in a complimentary Mad Dog 20/20 “pairing”. The MD20/20, coupled with some crappy quiche you will be too blacked out to remember eating, will dramatically accelerate your courtship while drastically reducing costs for everyone involved. The particularly cunning High Inflation Entrepreneur (H.I.E.) will also have mouthguards available for sale. Keep in mind that any young man, jacked up on “Orange Jubilee”, “Banana Red” or God forbid “Jabanero Limearita”, having just squandered a golden opportunity to get laid, will no doubt resort to other primal behavior.
So, what are you gonna do? Are you going to aggressively cost cut like every other chump out there or will you seize on these million (perhaps billion) dollar ideas gifted to you pro bono? It’s a fork in the road for sure. One path leads to you sitting in your 94 degree apartment in your tighty whities with a frozen burrito stuffed down your crotch to cool you down. Meanwhile, your wife gets a ride from Buff Billy while fanning herself with a naked picture of a male model named “Puma”.
The other path…… You can actually afford to microwave the burrito
P.S. Happy Birthday, S.
Comments