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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Climate Masochists

As y’all freeze your tits off in whatever cold climate you're in right now, let me give you an update on where my head is at. I love SoCal weather. Today is the first time it has rained in probably 5 months. It’s also 66 degrees so naturally everyone has thick, winter coats on. Despite my affection for this climate, I’ll admit that I am only 90% of the way to where I want to be, not 100%. In the "winter" there are days where we don't even get into the 70's. And at night, it gets all the way down to the low 60s and even high 50s. The sun is nice and strong so during the day I can still wear shorts and flip flops. But at night I have to put on a light sweater, pants and shoes. No bueno.


The reality is that what I need is some Caribbean weather. I want it, I NEED IT, to be hot all year round. Not some stupid, excessive dry hot like a 110-degree summer in Phoenix: That's the man upstairs telling you that if you’re not a scorpion or a rattlesnake you should leave. I'm talking mid high 80's and into the low 90's and slightly sticky. I need to be wearing a bathing suit during the day and at night I can "class it up a bit" with an all-white linen outfit and panama hat. I also want to have a man of my complexion but smaller stature following me around all day. He'd have a big, mobile cooler filled with Aguila or Medalla light during the day. Then at night he'd have some Beluga and San Pellegrino waiting on ice for me.

Most men's avarice entails an insatiable need for finer things. Bigger and faster cars, bigger houses..... and in extreme cases (if you visit me you'll see it) there's a dude that has two massive yachts in the harbor and a helicopter that he takes from one yacht to another even though they're like a mile apart. Why not just drive one yacht to the other one?.. that's peasant stuff for this billionaire prick. My broader point is this: I don't want yachts or big house or Ferraris. I want good health and a comfortable salary. My sole greediness relates to weather. It can always be better, more comfortable, less variable. I am headed down the right path for sure, but I pine for even more.


The reality is that you herbivores need to get out of your shithole climates and come live a real life. Mark knows what's up. His company can't pay him in enough money to leave LA. I'm in the same boat. You'd have to give me a 40% or more raise to leave SoCal. Only way I leave for even comparable money is for places like San Juan and Cartagena. Hell, I'll even take a pay cut. Send me a Panama Hat and an Aguila light along with my newly revised, lower salary, and I'll sign on the dotted line.


Think of me when you put on your mittens tomorrow. Or when your wife or fiancée tells you that the dog ALSO needs a coat.

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