Didn't Get the Memo

I sure didn’t. Did you?

Nobody ever gave me the real, unvarnished truth. I know we had “career day” in 8th grade but I don’t think we had it in high school. In 8th grade they brought in some parents to talk about how great their lives were.

“I am a patent lawyer. The work is hard but it’s worth it.”

“I am a journalist and I feel privileged to bring the news to my community.”

I don’t remember anything from these sessions other than the palpable self-satisfaction permeating the room.

Where were the honest parents? The negative examples.

“I am a divorce lawyer. I racked up 200k in student loan debt and make a living listening to embattled couples yell at each other. My soul dies a bit each day as I bill miserable, lonely men for the privilege of spending time in court and losing custody of their kids. I finally climbed out of debt when I got into my early 40s but then my wiener son, your classmate, started sucking up all my money again. My marriage is on the ropes cause I work all day in hopes of making Partner. I don’t actually want to be a partner in the firm, but I need more money.”

“I work for a management consulting company. I couldn’t possibly explain to you kids what I do because I myself am not sure what I do. I write reports and fly places and talk to people, but at the end of the day nothing happens. I often wonder why I still get paid. I also live in fear that I am middle aged and don’t really have any skills.”

“I am a computer scientist. I write code all day. Within five years I will be replaced by a 20-year-old in Mumbai who will then be replaced by a machine, but I don’t know that yet. For now, my eyesight and posture are rapidly deteriorating, and I dream in java script. “

In High School I had a guidance counselor. Total misnomer, I received neither guidance nor counseling. We had a mandatory meeting at the beginning of my senior year to discuss college and my future in general. When she asked what my interests were, I responded that I wanted to be a businessman. She then opened a copy of U.S News College Rankings and started looking through mid-level business programs. She wrote about 10 down on a piece of paper, handed it to me, and wished me luck. I suspect that she ultimately wrote me a good review for my college applications mostly because I hadn’t asked her for a single thing in my four years. That and sophomore year I warned her that she was about to step in gum.  

In college and grad school we had a “Career Center”. Not to be cruel but let’s be serious: Anybody who, after two decades of huffing and puffing in the labor force, winds up working at a “Career Center”…….. That person is inherently unqualified to give career advice.

No, I don’t need you to review my resume for the 55th time. Can you perhaps give me insight into what this career truly entails and what the career progression is? No. Couldn’t do that. Can you maybe put me in touch with someone who can? No. The Career Center staff had a list of Yahoo and Hotmail addresses from various alumni and they told me to reach out to them. Real helpful.

“Hello sir, I would like to learn more about your job at Johnson and Johnson. I recognize the fact that you don’t know me, don’t care about me, and that this is a throwaway email address you gave to the alumni association so that twats like me would never be able to reach you – but I would love to connect all the same.”

At least regale me with the story of how you ended up as an FTE at the career center, so I know to do the opposite. Useless

We kids of the 80s and 90s were misinformed by our teachers, mentors and parents. For those born in the 50s, 60s and 70s the formula was simple: Get into a good college and your life would be comfortable. Get into a good college and a good graduate school and you’re a guaranteed big shot. For our generation though, that formula simply didn’t work.

I wish that there had been some version of “Scared Straight” except not for juvenile delinquents but rather your average youth.

“Why the hell are you majoring in International Relations, fool!? That’s a throw-away degree. You can’t even get a job as a diplomat cause that’s mostly given to people with political favor. There are a whopping 10 Think Tank jobs available to you and the 70,000 other morons who graduated with that degree this year. You’re gonna graduate and basically start from scratch. No! In fact, you’ll be behind your peers that didn’t’ go to college cause they already have 4 years work experience in something. Your dumbass just finished an unpaid internship. You working for FREE, bitch!”

I wish that career day had featured some unorthodox examples of success:

“I mowed lawns and worked odd jobs for 7 years and collected money only in cash. Thus, I didn’t pay a dime in taxes. Then one day I read the question mark suit guy’s book on how to siphon easy money from the government and got a giant small business loan. I now own 6 poorly-run sandwich shops but I make bank. I am 42 and I barely work anymore. Truth is that my day primarily consists of collecting royalty checks from franchisees and drinking Palomas. I take my wife and kid on lots of trips because I have all the time in the world and enough money to make it happen.

I wish that the career center had actual insights for me:

“Consulting is a scam. If you wanna make PowerPoints for a living and travel all the time, go for it. However, if you want to contribute to this world and you recognize that United Airlines Platinum Status is not an achievement but actually the epitome of failure………..”

Oh well. My ship has sailed. At least I can do better by my kid.

“Dad, Dad, I got an offer letter from Deloitte to be a junior consultant!”

“Burn it.”