The Midlife Crisis

First, let me start with some statistics. The average life expectancy for men from my part of the world is 69. Our insatiable penchant for pork, booze and cigarettes allows us to kick the bucket nice and early. In some ways this is good because we typically exit via a colossal heart attack before we become a burden on loved ones. I bring this to your attention because, at 40-years old, “mid-life” crisis is a generous term. Nonetheless, let’s not get bogged down in math.

I believe the stereotype of the mid-life crisis is that I should buy a sports car, start dressing like a young man or pick up some dangerous new hobbies. This sounds like some total bullshit for men of extremely weak character. Let me tell you about the real mid-life crisis:

I want to change careers but I cannot. I lost my passion for what I do about 5-7 years ago. In my late 20s and early 30s I WANTED to go the extra mile and do a great job. Learn more. Go beyond what is expected. Earn a good reputation. Now….. Tsk… Fuuuck that. 95% of companies are like a chicken coop: A bunch of low IQ but high energy creatures running around frantically, clucking loudly and shitting everywhere. Without fail, they accomplish nothing other than creating a stressful environment. Some of the dumber ones are even foolish enough to gain a sense of self-importance.

You think these imbeciles are gonna reward you for hard work and intelligent insight? You think they are even gonna be able to recognize it? Above and beyond…. That’s rookie shit. In fact, displaying intelligence and work ethic and good character works AGAINST you. The rest of the chickens feel threatened, because all they bring to the table is puffed out chests and fake swagger designed to dupe one another into thinking one is dominant. They’ll gang up against you. That extra 20 hours a week you put in is 20 hours not only wasted but detrimental to your advancement.

I’ve also been laid off twice in 6 years. Shocker, my good reputation and extra hours didn’t do a damn thing for me. In each instance there was a retard 2 levels above me that was totally out of his depth and drove the business into the ground. Of course, said cretin somehow saved himself but 86-ed everyone below him. You think this inspires young (or in this case, formerly young) talent to give it their all?

Also, as someone who works in healthcare, I must admit I am especially jaded. The entire industry talks about “doing better for our patients” but with critical exceptions like Emergency Department staff and ICU staff and the young nurses, its basically all avarice. I’ve worked with so many PCPs and various specialists who won’t give you the time of day when you try and work with them on an initiative to better manage CKD patients or diabetes patients but will raise absolute hell if they feel like their reimbursement on claim X was $90 less than it should have been. Bro, you make $500k a year on salary, probably another 150k a year in an advisory capacity and probably another 200k’s worth of what are essentially kickbacks. You drove a freaking Maserati to work. When is enough enough?

So ya, I’m ready for a change. I’d love to open a bar and use my wit, charm, work ethic, passion for cocktails and connections in that industry (and milk some of you barflies on this reading list- I kid, you know you’re drinking for free with your koozies) to see where that goes. I’d love to try and start an import / export business cause so much of the food and drink in the USA is utter trash. You know why 90% of Americans hate tomatoes? It’s cause here they taste and feel like rubber. It’s like cutting into a basketball. Do you know how shitty the Vodka is in the U.S.? I think Tito’s is the number one vodka brand. I have never licked a urinal, but I imagine if I did it would taste like Tito’s. Heck, I even look at the UPS guy with envy. I could drive a cool little truck around (perhaps even a quiet, electric truck at some point) and stay fit and active delivering packages as opposed to atrophying in front of a computer 60 hours a week. Listen to podcasts or call friends and relatives all day. Park illegally without giving a f---!

So what’s stopping me?..............

I got two kids. I’m handcuffed. I love them more than anything in the world, but they don’t allow for risk-taking and salary cuts. You know what 300 diapers, 15 boxes of baby wipes, and 10 jars of butt cream cost each month? You know how much they eat, and even worse, DON’T eat. Hell, my 2-year-old is like the toddler Rick Flair – just replace “spilled liquor” with “food I refused to eat”. (For the uninitiated click Ric Flair "Spilt Liquor" Speech!!). Do you know how expensive child care is?

Another component of the mid-life crisis: I am tired all the time, but I truly don’t know if that is cause of my odometer or cause I have 2 kids under 3. If they magically become self-sufficient overnight, will I start feeling like I am 27 again or am I fucking shot like a fighter who has taken too much damage? The brain is trying to send signals to the rest of the body on what to do but the arms and legs just doesn’t respond.

Some days I look in the mirror and feel like there is no way I am 40. Other days I see an imposter. A guy whose beard is mostly gray who talks to acquaintances and colleagues in their late 20s like we are peers. Perhaps they don’t view me as being that old or perhaps they think I am a total clown. Some has-been that didn’t get the memo he aged out.

Sports cars, dye jobs, hang gliding…… what is this, the 1970s? Back then there was almost unlimited job security, financially-thriving one income homes, absentee fathers, affordable housing and education. Fuck your privileged ass. Welcome to your grandson’s mid-life crisis.

He has much less room to act like an asshole.