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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke


What the f---- is this Meta shit? There is an expectation that “an entire industry of virtual fashion will accompany the organization's move to virtual reality”. What the hell does that even mean!?

Let me tell you something, Zuckerbucks, I ain’t buying a “virtual shirt”. You know why?.... Cause I’m not a fucking imbecile. Will said shirt keep my tits from getting cold or scaring the neighbors? Or just my virtual tits? Or is it just a way for you and all the parasites around you to con the poor and stupid into spending money on something that literally doesn’t exist?

Users can attend a concert with their friends virtually.” Qué? Are we watching a livestream? Or is your vision that, instead of getting together in-person, we wear some ridiculous set of goggles while walking around our living rooms yelling into empty space? Can I have a virtual drink at this concert? Is it gonna fuck me up? What happens if my avatar does some bad shrooms? Do I have to accompany it to the bathroom stall as it sweats and panics for 3 hours or can I reset my concert “experience”?

Here’s a newsflash. I don’t have a computer avatar that would even benefit from a computer shirt. You know why, Mark? Cause unlike you, I’m not a total loser. I already don’t use your product and I certainly won’t use it in its next version. I choose to live in the real world and not create an internet cartoon of myself that buys cartoon shirts and goes on virtual dates. When the going gets tough, I do my best to grind it out; not escape it to go live a fake life in my Macintosh.

I know that we now live in a world that’s so politically correct, soft and fake that speaking the truth is considered uncouth or a “micro-aggression” or some shit. But we don’t play like that here at Jamoke so I’m gonna give this virtual masturbation a nice, stiff dose of reality.

Furthermore, the prestigious, exclusive Jamoke publication prides itself on never talking politics and never singling out anybody in particular (other than the authors), but today we’re making a rare exception.

Zuckerbucks, I see right through you, you bozo. You’re the kid that got bitch-slapped and given a swirly on a daily basis. Growing up your hair was ALWAYS wet and your house perennially draped in egg yolk. You channeled your anger about being an ugly reject and combined it with your sociopathy to create a multi-billion-dollar business. Yet still, some things never change: You look like shit, nobody likes you, your wife is gross, and you’re still bitter about life.

You talk a big game to investors and the media but I’m gonna tell YOU how it’s gonna play out. Your venture will fail. The world has plenty of losers for sure, and many of them will choose to “reside” in your fake world. However, 97% of internet activity revolves around either imminent or potential, future sexual pleasure. I don’t know what kind of grabass’n you have envisioned in this virtual fantasy world you’re creating but I do know this: No matter how many sensors they attach to your privates or how sexy and realistic your 3D virtual lover looks, it ain’t gonna be the same. I know that it is hard for someone who didn’t get laid until their 30s to understand this concept. The reality, however, is that you’re trying to take the masses further and further away from what they have, do, and always will crave: Sexual satisfaction.

Your company will be featured in HBS case studies in 10-15 years in the same way that Blockbuster and Toy’s R Us are today. When this happens, you’ll need a hug. Unfortunately for you, a virtual hug just isn’t the same. Will your virtual shirt soak up your real tears?


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