Miracle Mike

During these times of fear and panic, I know that you all have been waiting. Forget the religious, civic or healthcare leaders, you all are looking for true guidance. A sherpa, a beacon of reason, the voice of a jamoke.

I can’t decide whether to panic or giggle. I’m both taking this seriously and I’m somewhat indifferent. I respect the threat and the need to be responsible and careful for our seniors. At the same time, I’m bewildered and amused by how people are behaving.

Earlier this morning I went to pick up my dog’s heart medicine at the vet. The door was locked but there were people inside. I called their number and the lady (all of 8 feet away) picked up. She wouldn’t open the door and insisted that I give her my credit card details over the phone. Then, and only then, she instructed me to meet her out back and she’d give me the medicine. As I waited by the dumpster I immediately started looking out for cops and wondering how many stems and seeds would be in my 8th. Teenage instincts. Was a car about to pull up and we’d go for a little lap? Eventually, a smiling young lady reached out with blue dishwashing gloves and handed me the pills. Ridiculous

My quasi-boss at work told me that he’s been drinking Bloody Marys all morning. If you’ve got the “why the hell not, the world is ending anyway” attitude, why would you still log in to work? Just go ahead and get fucking hammered.

The grocery store: Forget about the run on TP and meat. I saw about a dozen straight-up freaks there yesterday. People that look like they haven’t left their house since the Y2K scare. And good thing they haven’t because they’re painful to look at. One lady had three band-aids on her face and glasses thicker than my thumb. Her husband was wearing a worn-out, blue Muu-Muu. Virus or not, these freaks need to be under quarantine. The mere reminder that such people exist is capable of dropping the DOW by 5000 points. Of course, they promptly proceeded to get in a fight with another couple over a bag of rice.

I also love the two brothers in Tennessee or wherever that bought up 20 grand worth of hand sanitizer in hopes that they would fetch 20 bucks a bottle on the black market and secure their financial futures. A scheme so stupid that even Al Bundy and Homer Simpson would find it far-fetched.

Life will rebound in a month or two max. The tourism and travel industry will take a big hit only to see a surge (in both demand and price) from people desperately trying to escape whoever they’ve been quarantined with for 4 weeks. The bars and restaurants will roar back with people excited to get sloshed and celebrate the end of an ugly episode in our history.

In the meantime, if you’re one of the people who think this is overblown: Be prudent, respectful of others, and enjoy the shitshow. If you’re of the opinion that the world is ending, go out with some style and class. Slap-fighting and yelling in your MuuMuu in aisle six – whatever the EXACT opposite of that is. Do that.