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The Downfall of Civilization

About two years ago a professor from my alma mater died in some sort of gay, sexual, mummification ritual. The news reports were charitable in their description of the event, but they did share that he was naked, wrapped in layers upon layers of heavy-duty plastic wrap and died of oxygen deprivation. His partners described it as a “sexual act gone terribly wrong”. Indeed.


There are three things in this story that are particularly problematic: (1) The unbridled sexual depravity of this roué (2) The neighborhood had to endure a three-month shortage of plastic wrap (3) When I told people at the time that I found this event to be both extremely pathetic and quite amusing, I was confronted for being politically incorrect and insensitive. Bullshit. Let me tell you something: If I die draped in tin foil, wearing a Captain Planet outfit, boner surging out of my speedo – I encourage you to mock me for eternity.

More disturbing developments: Apparently sex robot sales are going through the roof; especially ones with 6-pak abs. Here is my question / assumption: Much like sex with real people, one probably desires diversity in partners. At what point do you open your closet door, see seven different sex robots with different “skin” tones and physical proportions, take a step back and say to yourself: “Good god! I have a problem.”


Further Evidence: 60% of America creates fake problems for themselves or society and then picks fights about it on social media. For starters, half of the avatars you’re feuding with are just Chinese bots programmed to stir shit up. Secondly, if your raison d'être in life is to fight for or against the bathroom privileges of transgender people you (1) Live a VERY comfortable life (2) Desperately need a hobby.


One more: I got an email from Google today with my “February location report”. No joke, an email with a GPS map and a list of locations that my phone and I had visited. This email unnerved me more than the armed robbery I dealt with a few years back, way more. How the fuck is this legal!? This spying will surely expedite my journey back to a burner phone. Yet most people not only don’t care, they love it! “Tell me computer, what should I do next with my life? Give me a recommendation on where to go and who should be my virtual friend.”


Goddamn Computers. That’s the common theme here. Here is your technology - "enabled" day in a nutshell: 8 AM: Log on to sexually deviant website in search of dudes willing to cover you in plastic wrap for 3 hours and then bang you. 9 AM: Procure three robotic sex dolls in case the mummification people back out. 10 AM: Read articles on politico.com and pick fights with other trolls on the comments thread; half of which are robots boasting about their ability to “make $98 an hour working from home and selling Acai berries”. 1 PM take a nap. 2 PM, wake up and watch “The Mummy Returns” on Netflix cause the computer recommended it based on your search history……………..Pathetic. Absolutely Pathetic. We’re doomed as a society. The computer is metaphorically (and now literally) fucking us over. It might be time to summon the one man who can rescue this planet. He’s blue and sports a green mullet. I’m sure Google knows where to find him.

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