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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Three Day Wknds and Mr. Jamoke’s Birthday

About 2-3 times a year I ralph from overindulgence. Usually this occurs on the Friday of a 3-day wknd. Every time this happens, I have a conversation with myself mid-puke. The conversation is a very short one: “This is freaking pathetic” I tell myself. Because it is. 35-year-olds should not be getting so inebriated that they vomit at the conclusion of the evening. At least this time I puked in my own toilet. The Friday before Memorial Day I was visiting a buddy and had to rush to the balcony and drop 4 lbs. of late-night food on some sucker’s patio below. College style baby! That night I made friends with about 8 Manhattans and then picked a fight with “Galactic Jack” and was promptly KO-ed.

There have been times in the past though when a good ralph has actually spawned personal growth. In 2010 I moved in with my father after graduate school in order to pay off some loans while looking for my own place. Truth is I was starting to get really comfortable (too comfortable) not paying rent and utilities. I was feeling so fat and happy that I started buying $150 dollar Burberry and LV and Gucci ties (a few of which actually got held up at Customs because somebody in Milan didn’t fill in the right paperwork – Amateurs!). However, one Saturday morning I came back from the clubs at 430 AM (per usual) and waddled to the side of the house. As I stood there barfing up Orange Chicken next to my Dad’s AC unit it hit me like a ton of bricks. “This is pathetic”. Soon after I moved out and my luxury purchases were curtailed.

I actually had another moment of personal growth earlier in 2010. My buddies and I stopped by one of my favorite pubs in West L.A. for our late-night nightcap. It’s a beer and wine only joint and I decided to go with the strongest drink they had – the House Merlot. After three putrid glasses and a spirited game of arcade basketball, I overheated. On our way out the door I pushed my buddies aside, kicked the door open and barfed in the middle of the sidewalk. Right next to some couple holding hands on the bench. I immediately apologized to all of the witnesses. The couple was actually impressed; impressed that someone who was hammered enough to have projectile vomited wine in the middle of the street was still coherent enough to quickly apologize and ask for forgiveness. All in all though this personal disgrace led to another important moment of personal growth: Never, ever get wine at a pub. Especially not the “house” version.

Speaking of disgrace and failure: Believe it or not, tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of this publication. Having read that sentence you are having one (if not all) of the following reactions:

1) Who gives a shit?

2) Why does this blog still exist?

3) “Publication” is too esteemed a term for this website

4) I am ever so slightly impressed that this still exist

5) I keep forgetting to remove my email from the listserv

6) I need a better spam blocker

The beauty of this publication is that it can never fail. Like many real-life losers, the Jamoke avatar/publication never had any goals or direction. In a way it actually transcends the concept of failure. There were a few times when I strongly questioned my resolve to keep adding entries but, almost like clockwork, a friend who I don’t get to hear from often would react to a post and say they enjoyed it. This fueled further writing.

Will this publication (I’m sticking with the term – F You) make it another year? Who knows? Who cares? However, I can say this with certainly. Here at Team Jamoke we are planning a special, secret surprise for our readers this fall – all 25 of you. We are also hoping for a guest entry or two in the coming months.

For those of you that urged me to start this blog…. I suspect you were trying to get me to stop emailing you directly and wasting your time. Nonetheless, the blog remains for now and it remains true to its one and only core principle: Adding absolutely no tangible value to society.

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