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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Canned

10 AM Pacific on Monday: Two colleagues call me to tell me that mass layoffs are imminent and ask me if I know anything. I spend the rest of the day calling and texting with other colleagues and doing more reconnaissance.


10 AM Pacific on Tuesday: I’ve decided that it’s gonna be either me or my boss. Thunderdome, two men enter, one man leaves.


The rest of Tuesday: I’m convinced my boss will lay me off and not my colleagues cause they either make too little money or he likes them better or both.


Bloody Wednesday (today), early morning pacific: I catch wind in the morning that my boss is getting canned


Bloody Wednesday around 8 AM: My friend calls me. She was laid off in August, unlaid off in October: “Dude, I just got laid off again. Severance is good. 5 months. Amy is a crazy cunt.”


Bloody Wednesday: 830 AM. FOMO. I’m thinking to myself: Good god I hope I get laid off. Fuck, why did it have to be my boss?


915 AM. Boss tells me: “Whole division is getting cut. Me, you, and the rest of the team. Last day is the end of the month. IT is getting it even worse.”… I later find out that hundreds of people were laid off today.


10 AM: Interview with one of the major life sciences companies. Proceeding to round 2 of 37 next week.


As some of you know, I started actively looking around for new jobs about 3 weeks ago. I’ll accelerate the pace further obviously. It’s been clear to me for some time that the company is a sinking ship. You know you’re a dump when people that survived the layoffs are calling me asking if I heard anything about voluntary severance packages. The people that survived are the ones that are upset.


At the end of the day guys, I can’t help but grin. You’re giving me 5 month’s pay to stop working and leave the joint. Imagine that you’re at a lame cocktail party or toddler’s birthday party and then all of a sudden the host says: “I insist you leave within 15 minutes but I don’t want any trouble so here’s a big chunk of money”. Such a fantastic turn of events would seem impossibly kind. My boss (x-boss?) set up meetings for me to talk to other guys in the company that are apparently interested in bringing me on their teams. Why the fuck would I do that? I’d have to stay at the shitty party and forfeit the money promised to me, I’d just switch from talking to one boring group of people at the party to another crew of bland bastards.

I’ve always wanted a severance package. Furthermore, you better believe I’ll be submitting for unemployment as soon as I can. This state is very liberal and hostile to business; it doesn’t’ treat severance packages as wage so all indications are that I should be able to get my 1500 bucks a month. The idea that between now and April I could make more money than I would if I was actually working….. that sounds nice. Since I was 14 I’ve been paying taxes for other bums’ benefits. Now I get to mooch for a bit and be that bum. Of course, I’ll hit the job hunt hard and hopefully by February or March I'll have a new job, setting up a nice double dip. (On that note, if you know someone in life sciences that’s hiring please let me know).


Midnight (Bloody Wednesday/Thursday). Smoking a Djarum Black, finishing my negroni, emailing you. I’m feeling relieved. The cocktail party got boring and the house is on fire. Now I can try and plan my next move without feigning attention toward the useless conversations in the room

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