I want to be the client
As a management consultant, I’ve been babying useless clients for years. I’ve absolutely had it! I want to be on the other side of the relationship. The prospect of being the client surrounded by consultants seems mighty, mighty sweet. Here is what my life would be like if I was the client instead of the consultant:
1) Read absolutely nothing you provide me. I just won’t read it. Then I’ll ask questions at some point about matters that have been clearly and repeatedly articulated in the documents and emails that I don’t want to read.
2) Bitch about everything. Everything! “Why was I not notified about this project development? I pay you to inform me of these things and stay on top of them.”…….. When the consultants timidly remind me of the 36 ways in which they’ve notified me about said developments, I’ll change my angle of attack and declare that their communications are ineffective and make them write me a communications strategy plan – one that I, of course, will never read.
3) Escalate fabricated issues to my consultants’ upper management just for shits and giggles. I know that doing so will set off a chain of complete and utter panic. Aloof but high-ranking idiots will call other even more aloof and high-ranking idiots as part of their “escalation” procedures. Then my consultants will be summoned to explain themselves even though they haven’t done anything wrong and the very idiots asking for an explanation (the Client “Relationship Owners”) have no clue what the fuck is going. You know why? Cause nothing is going on. Other than the fact that I own you and your entire company is full of pussies. Prison bitches are known to walk behind their master/protector while holding their master’s t-shirt at the very top of the shoulder. I, as a complete buffoon and lazy piece of shit get my power trip in a similar way: “Consultant! You little pussy-ass bitch. Spend all week writing shit I won’t read, cater to my every whim, and then worry about getting fired just because I told your boss that you didn’t do it all with a smile”. If you don’t think you’re holding my shirt every damn day that you work for me, you’re delusional. “Consulting”!? You ain’t “consulting” shit. What you are doing is disgracing yourself every goddamn day you show up and take my bullshit.
4) Do absolutely nothing. Literally nothing. As a client, it would be my duty to be so goddamn worthless that I ask my consulting team to write my fucking emails for me. It needs to come from my email inbox (lest people forget I still work here and am important), but you’ll draft it for me. Even the introductory, “hello”.
5) Tell you about my cat. Every day. I’ll tell you some long and meandering story about how my cat behaves and how charming it is. Here’s the rub: I don’t actually have a cat. I just like wasting your time and watching your pained face as you feign interest while trying to hold back rage. I also want my worthless colleagues to see my consulting team hard at work until 7 PM every night – thanks in part to the daily cat chronicles.
6) Yearly hand-out of emotional crumbs: Once a year I’ll tell my consultants and their leadership team that: “I know it’s been an exhausting year, but I really value your contributions and consider you Trusted Advisors.” I don’t mean any of this of course, but this piece of completely meaningless and insincere commentary will fill your little hearts with pride and you’ll stick around at least another year to metaphorically gargle my nutsack. After a year of my abuse, you (Mr. or Mrs. Consultant) are like a neglected, starving dog. I throw you half a Slim Jim and pat you on the head and it’s the best day of your fucking life. You can’t wait until I give you the second half of that Slim Jim in 2023.
I always wondered why clients pay out the ass for these big management consultant companies to come on board and run errands for them. For years I assumed it was just a Cover Your Ass strategy. However, it’s become clear to me that it’s primarily just a power trip. Some complete and utter loser, a failure in life, has spent 30 years at the same company being below-average but moving up the organization simply due to age. Now he loves the power trip. He NEEDS the power trip because this is the zenith of his pathetic life.
You know what!? Fuck you, guy. And my fellow consultants, if I hear another sap story about how we had a “difficult client and a horrible project, but in the end, we pulled through and now have a strong and trusted partnership with the client……” I’m gonna grab your head, find the client, grab his head, and smash them together like eggs.
The whole ecosystem is fucked. Corporate prison-bitches and prison alphas, trading powerpoints in place of cigarettes. Taking comfort in the fact that you may amass more cigarettes than your cellmate and smoke them during your meager, Saturday allowance of yard time. The truth is that we’re all holding the man’s t-shirt by the shoulder and that needs to change ASAP.
In the meantime, Happy Friday you Jamokes! Go get crushed. You’ve earned it. On Saturday, we plan our escape.