Setting: Mid-late 1990’s – the Oprah Winfrey show. My recollection is a bit fuzzy but here goes: Oprah went out, found a homeless man, gave him $100k to restart his life and get things in order. Two months later they found him back on the street, same spot, same surroundings. What did our man do? He bought himself a brand-new Nissan Titan. Then he bought his boy a Nissan Titan. Then he blew a bunch of money on women and booze. He may or may not have bought an expansive, rare set of Faberge eggs.
Setting: 2010. A Caribbean Nation: My friends and I engaged in a futile and infuriating 2-hour effort to eat breakfast at our fancy hotel restaurant prior to our trip to the waterpark. First our waiter refuses to get off his stool to serve us – opting instead to stare blankly out the window. You’re already there - might as well put in some effort and make some tips… Nah, not interested. An hour after that I am informed by our back-up waiter that they are “experiencing some challenges” with my lobster benedict. The nature of these “challenges” were not revealed. Given how much chaos this “lobster” caused in my belly later that day at the waterpark, my guess/hope is that this lobster was feisty as hell and injured half of the kitchen staff prior to ultimately being subdued. Side note: You ever get the shits at a waterpark? Everything is wet. Brutal.
Setting: 2018. A local marijuana dispensary. I was still excited about this whole legal weed phenomenon so I walk in with 300 bucks ready to go bonkers. Nonetheless, the place was poorly laid out with minimal labeling so I found myself asking questions of the staff…. Everyone was blasted. Absolutely ripped. Me: “I don’t want anything that’s going to make me sleepy so can you please recommend a sativa?”. Clerk # 1: “I’m not sure which are the sativas and which are the indicas.” – For those of you non-smokers out there, that’s like working at Macy’s and not knowing which are the men’s clothes vs. the women’s clothes. Me: “Do you know what this one is?”. Clerk # 1: “That’s my favorite!”…………. I had to divorce myself from that idiot immediately, so I went into the gummy section. One of the gummy brands caught my eye so I asked the gummy guru about it. He didn’t answer, instead he launched into 5-minute story about how he took a bunch of said gummies recently, took 4 bong rips with some old lady, and got so high that he barfed. Very entertaining but highly irrelevant. I went in actively looking to waste 300 bucks on weed – enough to last me 2 years. I walked out with a measly thing of gummies for 50 bucks. These cats were just too damn stoned and stupid to appropriate my money. Even that 50 bucks was more of a thank you for that dude’s great barf story.
Setting: Last week and today: This girl that’s supposed to be partnering with me on an initiative at work is trying to big league me and everyone else. With the economy in freefall half the company (her and I included) are hanging on by a thread. On my end, I’m working hard as heck trying to prove my value and stay on that roster until economic conditions improve. My colleague, she does jack shit and occasionally calls in to meetings to say that she will help. Follow through – zero. She apparently told a mutual acquaintance that she plans to chill until things pick up and “there is real work to do.”
Do you know what all these idiots have in common? You guessed it, ZERO BUSINESS ACUMEN. With 5 Million new people a week filing for unemployment you’re gonna dilly dally until there is “real work” to do!? You think you’re gonna skate by with the work ethic of a Caribbean waiter? She thinks she can call into a few meetings with management, display exuberance, make promises and then leave me hanging. Bitch, you think you can big league me!? Your comeuppance is already in motion, honey. Bubbling, slow and steady, like a rotting “lobster” that you shouldn’t have eaten. I’m gonna shit all over her – waterpark style.
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