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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

Office Blackmail

This imbecile has been driving me insane for the past two weeks. Now I finally know why.

At first, I thought that the “Team Lead” on this project was just more arrogant and obnoxious than these folks usually are. He tells me to do one thing on Monday, another thing on Tuesday and then reverts on Wednesday to his original desire. He also refuses to listen. I kid you not, the most he has ever let me or anyone else talk consecutively is five seconds. Then he jumps in, chastises you, gives nonsensical feedback, and declares that he “has to drop”. Sadly, this type of attitude is omnipresent in my organization, so I didn’t think much of it.

A few days ago, however, his behavior transcended from obnoxious to erratic.

Example 1: “Did you hear that!?”……. “Hear what?”………..”Do you have a cat?”….. “No, no cat.

Example 2: “Why didn’t you include Finance, Marketing, Accounting and Sales on this list? I told you to include them.” ……………. “They’re right there, the first four in the list.

Example 3: “Did you run this presentation by Daniel Jones?” ... “I have no idea who that is?” …

Never mind, you’re right, he left over a year ago…. Hold on, somebody is texting me. I gotta drop.”

Yesterday morning, homeboy went bananas over color. He declared that I was using different shades of green throughout the presentation. I told him I believe it’s the same shade of green. His response: “Fix it!”

Fix it to what you buffoon!?

In the afternoon he empaneled a team of interns to weigh-in on whether I was using a consistent color scheme. According to the frightened peewees, I was.

Finally, this morning, it all clicked:

“I’m on my 3rd cup of coffee this morning.”………”Interesting, how many cups do you usually have a day?”…… “Seven.”

7 Cups of coffee a day. 3 before lunch. I’m no scientist but I would suspect that this gargantuan amount of caffeine has the same effect on one’s nervous system as two fat lines of blow or 4-5 generous bumps. And I’m expected to take orders from this drug addict?

How can someone in their late 30’s have absolutely no self-awareness. How do you not understand by now that slamming coffee every 90 minutes is ruining you? You’re all over the damn place. Switching tasks every 2 minutes, getting distracted, you can’t see straight.… Hearing phantom cats!!! Hell, at one point you forgot what year it was.

There is a time and place to experiment with energy supplements. It’s called college. I experimented with “5-hour energy” for about a week back in the day. I thought it may help me study. I drank one on a Tuesday afternoon in hopes that it would help me cram for my accounting test. I spent the next 90 minutes shadowboxing in my bedroom. I couldn’t focus worth shit for hours until I finally got sleepy around 10 PM and passed out. I got a “D” on the test. Later that week I drank another one in the morning to help me prepare for a class presentation. No martial arts displays but when I went in front of the class to present, my left arm was gyrating wildly. I was also so amped up I ended up stuttering. Put simply, I had no control over my body. Frankly, it looked like I was having a heart attack.

I learned my lesson over a decade ago, large amounts of energy boosters do NOT equate to productivity. Our “Team Lead”, however, never got the memo. He’s 38 years old and still doesn’t have a clue.

Or does he?

Mr. Team Lead, you certainly have the young kids fooled. They’ve made comments like: “He’s ALWAYS online!” and “He’s so to the point.” But I see right through you, you bozo. I know exactly what’s up. Having spent 15 years as PowerPoint jockey (my apologies, a “management consultant”), living in the unforgiving frozen tundra just south of Canada, and now quarantined in your tiny, overpriced apartment for a year…. The glass finally overflowed. Your mind and spirit broke. Seven cups of coffee a day my ass. Every time you “have to drop” you’re chopping and blowing rails. You’re jogging around your apartment in your undies, shadowboxing. Every 5-10 minutes you go over to your drum set and bang the hell out of it while screaming at the top of your lungs. You’re taking 5-6 quick showers a day to lower your body temperature and rid yourself of the rank stank that tends to accompany overstimulated nervous systems.

With 99% of our company comprised of geeks and squares, they don’t know any better. But I sniffed you out in two weeks. You don’t know it yet, “Team Lead”, but the moment you spilled the beans with your “7 cups of coffee” comment, I officially stopped doing any work on this project. Next time you tell me to do something that makes no sense or call me by the wrong name, I’ll shoot you the following note on skype:

I bet some Pedialyte and cigarettes would really hit the spot right now. 😉 👃⛄

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