Note from the Editor: The events described in this story occurred in September of 2019 and were chronicled in February of 2020 with the intent to publish this story in March of 2020. Given worldwide developments at the time, the esteemed Jamoke editorial board cancelled this publication. Nonetheless, to quote the great Jacques Lu Cont: “You can’t keep a good track down”
A third of our workforce is decimated. The entire second floor is either sick or has been told to stay home for the rest of the week. Quarantined. What could bring about such decimation of our already lackluster workforce?
I saw the whole epidemic unfold because I was sitting in the 2nd floor kitchen area hiding from all these wieners who want shit from me.
1040 AM: The office receptionist walked into the big conference room where the execs were meeting and walked out with several boxes of half-stale bagels and cream cheese. Clearly nobody in the meeting wanted that shit and why would you? If you want to consume 1200 calories, I can think of about a million tastier ways to do so.
1045 AM: The receptionist sent out an email to the entire floor that states: “Free bagels and cream cheese, come grab some in the kitchen while you can!”
1045 AM – 1046 AM: Within 60 seconds half of the office swarmed the kitchen area like locusts. For some odd reason people were over the moon for these reject bagels.
For starters, the receptionist screwed me because of course the two pricks I was avoiding all morning somehow spotted me through the cream cheese stampede. More importantly though, either the food was unsanitary or some of the hyenas have poor hygiene because around 2 PM people started dropping like flies. Norovirus baby!
If ever there was any doubt that people are disgusting morons, this incident removed it.
(1) This isn’t some sort of killer bargain. Your bagel and cream cheese combo is probably worth somewhere between 60 cents and a 80 cents. I could understand a mad scramble for free caviar or Kobe beef but not cheese and bread.
(2) Clearly nobody is doing any actual work because most of the floor was willing and able to sprint down the hallway in a moment’s notice.
(3) I didn’t see a single soul wash their hands before pawing their way through the bagels to “find the best one” and nobody behind them in line seemed concerned.
(4) Most importantly………. Nobody here is missing any meals. None of these pricks need the food. I have served food in soup kitchens and the homeless people were SIGNIFICANTLY less aggressive and greedy than these savages. Why people who make between $50k and $250k rushed out of their seats and threw some elbows for a stale bagel is beyond me.
3 PM: The whole floor is a biohazard now. No joke. The second floor has been quarantined off and there are professionals in HAZMAT suits disinfecting the whole floor; I saw one on them on the elevator. It freaked me out.
301 PM: The girl that was in the elevator with me and HAZMAT guy asked me if I think “they’re using organic chemicals to sanitize the second floor?” …….. I was too stunned by the stupidity of this question to respond. I was tempted to tell her that they had already sprayed the place down with lavender, vanilla extract and love, thus she should go back in there without concern. Alas, my witticism didn’t come to me quickly enough. Ironically, I think granola girl left that exchange thinking that I’m the moron because I had no answer to her question.
As for the rest of my idiot colleagues: No self-discipline. No self-restraint. No common sense. You could send out an email offering just about anything that’s free and people will rush to get it. Free urinal cakes! Run over and get them. “Fuck ya!”....... Do you, for some odd reason, have a urinal in your home? “No”. Do you have a second job managing an Irish pub on nights and weekends? “No”. So why are you scrambling to get a urinal cake? “Cause it’s free.” Fools.
There is a silver lining in all this though, at least for me. When the two scumbags I wanted to avoid approached me, I insisted that we talk only after they help themselves to some bagels. I told them that I didn’t want to “Deprive them of bagels” and that “we should connect over coffee later in the day”. This turned out to be a brilliant, strategic move because both of these cats now have their Out of Office messages up. Stricken down by the great bagel plague no doubt. They won’t be asking anything of me for at least a week. More likely than not, they’ll forget by then due to dehydration and fever.
Who knows? Perhaps someone was planning a vicious coup d’état against the C-Suite and sent in contaminated bagels. An attempted corporate regicide that the lords deftly dodged only to have the plot ricochet back on the peasants. A more likely scenario however is that there was no malice intended whatsoever but rather that the unwashed masses (literally) once again proved why us peasants are unfit to rule.
Either way, this has been an invaluable learning experience for me. Next time a group of jerks tries to delegate their work to me, I’m gonna buy out every single hot dog and taquito from the local 7-11’s and place them strategically near the respective person(s). See you in a week, peasant!