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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

The Cleanse

Somewhere in Tibet lives a Qi Gong master that goes months without consuming anything but water. He may or may not be able to start a fire with the energy radiating from his palms or break a brick just by giving it a mean look. Half a world away, an overprivileged 30-something year old embarked on a 4-day juice cleanse and has the nerve to regale you about it.

Day One: 10 AM. I’m already very crabby. Not from food deprivation but because of how damn expensive these juices are. You know you are a spoiled brat when your hunger strike costs a fortune. 2 PM: I’m grumpy and confused. Routine interactions with my wife (also doing the juice cleanse) are tenser than a UFC weigh-in. My confusion is exacerbated by the fact that I had to give blood today. I have all of the confusion and slow response time of being stoned, but none of the euphoria (or thank god the munchies). 630 PM. After a whopping 10 minutes of work I doze off. Boring material + anemia = nighttime nap.

Day Two: I had a dream about a Burrito. A vivid dream. It had fries in it, sour cream, refried beans, Carne Asada, and two types of Cholula hot sauce. I feel pathetic. After a mere 36 hours of abstinence I’m having food porn fantasies. The rest of the day is uneventful except for the fact that I am growing more irritated with the cost of the juice.

Day Three: How the hell have I only lost a pound!? I haven’t eaten in three days. Supposedly day three is when “the transformation starts”. Your body kicks into high gear and starts really expelling toxins……. Blah blah blah. I feel indifferent. Bored even. I’m not even hungry, it’s more that I miss the act of chewing and tasting things.

Day Four: Day four is actually exciting. I’m planning my midnight celebration. I will order the Burrito that haunts me at 1130 PM so that it is delivered at the stroke of midnight. I already have a bowl of weed ready to go and have procured a six pack of Peroni to wash it down with. Experienced cleansers warn me that I ‘m making a very foolish move. Apparently, the last thing you want to do at the tail end of a first world hunger strike is overindulge. Screw that. This cleanse is/was so stupid, I am uninterested in any more advice.

20 Minutes past midnight: I’m enraged. This burrito tastes like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How is that even possible. I haven’t eaten in 4 days, I’m stoned, and this still tastes terrible. Have my taste buds died of boredom? Is God punishing me for my decadent 250-dollar juice indulgence? This is brutal. Not even the rerun of Martin I’m watching can mollify my rage.

Conclusion: What a waste of time and money. If you really want to cleanse, pound beet juice and water for four days straight. A very affordable 15 bucks to blast every impurity out of your body. Remember that gum you accidentally swallowed when you were 12? It’s gone now. Sure, you’ll be chained to the shitter but what else are you doing these days? This was bullshit. The only thing that got cleansed was my wallet. The guys at Juice Crafters are probably out at a steakhouse getting a proper meal with all the fixins cause some fool (this one) paid them a 1000% surplus on the kale they bought that morning.

All that being said, I think I have a new business idea. Given how readily SoCal douchebags like me are willing to part with their money for unproven health experiments, I see opportunity to go from chump to profiteer. I’ll recruit one of my Asian friends (for credibility) and we’ll open up a Qi Gong center. Energy healing baby! “Do you feel better, do you feel the Qi blockages being removed, the Qi Gong power!?”…. Ya, ya you do, fucking idiots. Now open that wallet nice and wide.

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