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  • Writer's pictureMr. Jamoke

View from the Top

This post may be controversial. It may even lead to a dwindling of our readership by 25% (i.e., a whopping 7 people). However, in the interest of being objective, honest and intrepid, we must do it.

I know that you view Mr. Jamoke as the buck-toothed champion of the working class. A cartoon man that says what needs to be said when nobody else will say it. Just recently, we eviscerated the empty suit fat-cats that run corporate America. Today though, we turn the tables and defend those at the top.

Let's be real, many of us grunts are imbeciles and deserve our flunky status. Since none of the contributors to this publication have achieved corporate success, we can only speculate as to how the C-level views us peasants. Nonetheless, we’ve chronicled some of the biggest mistakes we see on a regular basis. Mistakes that, no doubt, drive the C-level crazy.

1) Stupid questions at company - wide meetings:

"The market is crashing, will we all be o.k.?”

What are you supposed to say if you are the CEO?

"Nah, your 401k is fucked. I actually just approved your personal lay-off and the company is on the edge. Now go panic and stop doing work so we officially sink. Perhaps you can steal some trade secrets on your way out."

Idiots. Here is another good one:

"How do you think Michigan Football is gonna do this year?"

Ah, a shameless sycophant who spent 30 seconds on Wikipedia and found out that the CEO went to Michigan. My favorite is when the CEO asks in return:

"Did you go to Michigan?"

"No, No, but um.... my uncle did and the whole family are huge fans..."

Busted. A loose and probably fabricated connection. Go to the bathroom, wash that brown shit off your nose, and get lost. Rookie

2) Lack of financial acumen

Money. Money matters. If your idea or position on an issue isn't firmly grounded in financial prudence, it is best you shut up.

"We really should pursue this initiative if we want to be a thought leader."

Thought leader? Thought leader!? Go back to your thinktank, bitch! Where do you think your salary comes from, maggot!? Thought leadership, whitepapers?... Idiot. No wonder you're a junior consultant. Hit up a Finance 101 class at the local community college. Better yet, get off my payroll and see how many groceries your "thought leadership" buys you as a free agent.

3) Inability to get to the point

I see this ALL the time. These idiots summon a meeting without a clear agenda. Then they read their entire research assignment to the COO like they’re presenting a book report on Johnny Tremain to their 7th grade teacher.

You buffoon! The COO is in his 23rd briefing of the week and you've been talking non-stop for 30 minutes about all the research you've done. You think you're showing off, but the reality is you're just pissing people off. Tell the COO what you want to achieve, what decisions you need from him/her, make your case succinctly, and then listen. Walk away with a decision. Too late now though, you’ll have to spend the next 2 months in limbo trying to get back on the COO’s calendar because nobody could follow your rant or had a clue what you actually wanted.

4) Not getting the hint

The EA doesn't respond to your meeting requests. The COO’s chief of staff insists you brief him first and never loops you in on the actual meeting with the COO where you content is discussed. Perhaps it's time to get the memo..... You're hanging on by a thread. Nobody likes you. Stop forcing the issue. Go crawl into your hole and start looking at Indeed on your second screen.

Thus, my fellow flunky, are we ruled largely by clueless charlatans? Yes. That being said, are you yourself that impressive? Next time you think to yourself, “Why have I not been promoted yet?” remember this:

The teacher didn’t give you a “D”. No. No. No. You earned that “D”.

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